Explosions everywhere, an array of colours filling the sky and Americans skoffing hotdogs and ice-cream- this is how I will remember the 4th of July 2010.
Celebrating Independence Day whilst watching fireworks with the White House to my right and National Monument in the foreground, made it a super surreal and unforgettable evening. This annual celebration and national holiday marks the time where America broke free from the United Kingdom, delcared their supreme individuality and therefore making it perfectly clear that any person, other than a U.S citizen is an alien and U.W.O aka unidentified walking object.
Understandbly so, we all know the reasons for their tight security, paranoia and alienation qualities but for those still wishing to experience what a true U.W.O feels like I encourage you to visit the United States of Be Afraid!
Whether you're flying to NYC for business, Miami for a hot date or San Fran for a baby shower, the officers insist on seeing you traipse through the checkpoints naked. Yes, I mean take off your shoes, socks, belt, jacket, earrings and get rid of lighters, pens, small change, tweezers and anything in your pockets. Please make sure your lap top is out of its case, open it, smile and proceed to the arch. But beware- if you are female and wearing a pretty floral dress for the baby shower or a leopard micro-mini for your man(grrrr) keep your arms by your side and your legs closed. The wind blowing device, or whatever it's called, will only satisfy those sweaty lapdogs waiting behind you. On the contrary if the man behind you is cute and looks like Orlando Bloom, then I say "Keep your arms above your head, turn and pout!"
It is an absolute mission to fly however this mandatory task has proven to be good exercise for us girls. I've been told by fellow U.W.O's to imagine clenching a quarter between your butt cheeks whilst holding your breath and sucking in your tummy for 30 seconds. If that doesn't tickle your fancy, you can opt for the 'constipation-carrot- up- bum look!' The latter I don't recommend as the officials will believe you are hiding something inside of you, resulting in a thorough body check with the nasty white glove!
Another act you dare not do in the U.S is 'drink and drive' (except Pepsi to go along with your Mac Donald's diet). Now I know nobody should 'drink and drive' but if you are South African... I rest my case. I will even be brave enough to admit that back home I've driven when I shouldn't have. For example at many a religious book club, I would giggly klap a glass or three, eat an Engen 24 pie on the way home and be in bed by 12pm whereas here I wouldn't dare to lick a drop, even if it were the last drop known to alien man-kind.
Just the other night, I decided to go out to a bar in San Fran on my bicycle. This way I imagined being 'out-of-sight'. I drank 3 drinks, indulged in a shot and proceeded to dance just like my BFF, Britney Spears.(I do love a pole!) Walking out of the club feeling tipsy yet vigilant, I waved a 'cheerio' to a bunch of admirers, put on my helmet like a good little alien and headed home.
A couple of minutes later I encountered not one but two cop cars blearing their sirens and pulling me off the road with a loudspeaker. Having a panic attack with a heart rate of a hummingbird, I got off my bike removed my geeky helmet and introduced myself like the Queen of England- being British seemed alot safer than South African? After showing my passport and then having to explain my British heritage, I was asked to hand over my social security number, drivers license, physical address and reason for being in the States and finally whether or not I should be 'operating' a moving device. "Yes Sir! No Sir! Three Bags Full Sir!" And thankfully I was sent home.
Don't be fooled by the word 'crime' in the U.S, it is serious and will not be laughed off in court. Jay-walking is a crime even if you are in a hurry and there are no cars. Smoking in most public areas is a crime and the penalty fine is $10 000 or jail. Having an open beer or passenger drinking in your car is a crime with a fine and/or loss of your license. So before putting foot on American soil, here are just a few small points I'd like to share with my fellow aliens.
"No person on or in any facility or conveyance shall:
*litter, dump garbage, liquids or other matter, create a nuisance, hazard or unsanitary condition (including, but not limited to, spitting, or urinating, except in facilities provided).
*sleep or doze where such activity may be hazardous to such person
engage in any form of gambling
*create any sound through the use of any sound production device."
In lamens terms- you're not allowed to have a little dos, play Texis Holdem Poker or gooi your banana peel! And so help you God, if you do choose to participate in these misdemeanors, get a lawyer and prepare for your own exclusive episode of CSI.
I'll end off by highlighting how great I felt on the 5th of July when reading a news article that went something like this...
"Paris Hilton- arrested in a place called Port Elizabeth, South Africa, for posession of marijuana".
And then sadly my smile dissipated as a I read the following day,
"Paris Hilton, let off for smoking Marijuana in a place commonly known as P.E."
P.S How I wish I had a vuvuzela!
